Recently, I have never felt so proud of myself. I have accomplished a lot recently. When it comes to saying the word “proud” of myself, I definitely don’t take that lightly.
Positives: Started work at the profession I want to build my career on. Have an apartment. Getting debts paid off. Checking of legal issues that the past year ensued.
I have never just lived for myself. In a sense, life is all my own and I’m enjoying that. I don’t feel lonely as in needing a companion, but I do miss connecting. I miss having such a connection with someone that they understand you more than you understand yourself.
I’m missing the old me. I wasn’t always a mess. I had a grasp on life. Now that I have a different life and am learning to adapt to it, I miss who I was. I may seem confident, happy, positive, and have a good outlook on my situation.
Inside: I’m feeling disappointed. Disappointed in who I am. What I’ve lost. Who I’ve become. Why is it when all these positives are completely overshadowing the negatives I’m feeling like I don’t deserve it. I’m feeling like I don’t want it. Responsibility? Being called an inspiration by people who hardly know me? Actually succeeding in many aspects?
What I think: I’ve always been driven to succeed beyond my own expectations. Maybe when I’m actually meeting my expectations, it’s really just a new experience. This, from my past, has made me feel like I need to reach higher rather than being content with all the positives which are occurring. Is it possible for me to accept that all I’m accomplishing currently is good enough for now.. and how long is “now”?