For a very early birthday present, my parents got me a Colorado State Parks Pass. So far, I’ve visited five (Spinney Mountain, Eleven Mile Lake, Lory, Mueller, Castlewood Canyon). I tried to get the little passports that they can stamp at the parks visitor centers, but unfortunately they don’t sell them there anymore.
Here starts my blog photo passport. These are pictures from Lory State Park outside of Fort Collins.
And… here are pictures from today’s adventure to Castlewood Canyon State Park:
Recently, I have never felt so proud of myself. I have accomplished a lot recently. When it comes to saying the word “proud” of myself, I definitely don’t take that lightly.
Positives: Started work at the profession I want to build my career on. Have an apartment. Getting debts paid off. Checking of legal issues that the past year ensued.
I have never just lived for myself. In a sense, life is all my own and I’m enjoying that. I don’t feel lonely as in needing a companion, but I do miss connecting. I miss having such a connection with someone that they understand you more than you understand yourself.
I’m missing the old me. I wasn’t always a mess. I had a grasp on life. Now that I have a different life and am learning to adapt to it, I miss who I was. I may seem confident, happy, positive, and have a good outlook on my situation.
Inside: I’m feeling disappointed. Disappointed in who I am. What I’ve lost. Who I’ve become. Why is it when all these positives are completely overshadowing the negatives I’m feeling like I don’t deserve it. I’m feeling like I don’t want it. Responsibility? Being called an inspiration by people who hardly know me? Actually succeeding in many aspects?
What I think: I’ve always been driven to succeed beyond my own expectations. Maybe when I’m actually meeting my expectations, it’s really just a new experience. This, from my past, has made me feel like I need to reach higher rather than being content with all the positives which are occurring. Is it possible for me to accept that all I’m accomplishing currently is good enough for now.. and how long is “now”?
A mess. Life as I knew it fell apart. I went from having a relationship which was incredible by fucking it up. I fucked my self up… maybe I knew I deserved it.
Wrong choices. Made decisions which I never thought I would make. Hurt people I never would intend to: nobody deserved it, myself excluded. I deserved it. I deserve every scar that I’ve caused to myself.
People. How can they be so cynical. From throwing, punching, kicking, and breaking a woman down… how can they live like that?
Lucky me. A year later, I still am dealing with this stuff. Fast forward to today and I still have to deal with the pain. The mental torture. The thought of seeing that person who mentally broke me.
Regret. I have so much.
How do I even start to move past those feelings? How do I even start to trust myself with feelings to another?
It is a hope of mine that love and happiness can be shown from the inside out and viewed from the outside in. Although it might not be apparent to most, the ones who truly emanate positive values are the ones to keep close by your side.
I know it’s morning and that you need to go
You look so lovely in the morning glow
The only thing I ask is that you know
That I will keep you in my thoughts throughout the day
Another disappearing act it seems
Another conversation gone midstream
It’s never easy, when you’re gone from me
But could you keep me in your thoughts throughout the day?
Keep me in your thoughts while I’m away
Remember how it was and the words we thought to say
Darlin’ I could never be distraught
If only you would keep me in your thoughts
When you were little did you think of leaving?
How the one you chose to be with, would barely let you see him
And as I drift with the winds of every season
Girl you’re right there in my thoughts though you can’t see them
When I was little I had Sky the dinosaur
And I don’t think much of that toy anymore But I think of you before you’re out the door
So could you keep me in your thoughts while you’re away?
Keep me in your thoughts you precious thing
Sometimes you get the honey, sometimes you get the sting
And a solitude like this cannot be bought
If only cause you keep me in your thoughts